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School Bus Drivers to Carry Children To and From Bus

New Bedford Schools will soon be offering a new service designed to keep our children safe. Bus drivers will now park in front of a student’s houses, ring the door bell and carry the child to the school bus. Students will be gently tucked into their seat before heading to the next stop likely 10 feet away. Drivers are reminded that it is illegal to pass school buses while this service is being performed.

“It wasn’t enough that we were picking up and dropping off kids in front of their homes,” said School Superintendent Tia Druckman. “In a first world country students shouldn’t have to concern themselves with navigating the dangers of walking from their front door to the school bus.”

When asked to clarify those dangers, Druckman replied, “Shin splits and increased heart rate.”

The move has caused mixed reactions in the community. “It already takes me 30 minutes to travel a mile when I get behind a school bus and now it will take even longer.” Said a concerned resident, “But I guess if it makes our kids safe that is all that matters. I’ll just leave an extra hour early for work.”

 

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Men Entering Monastery Numbers Down; Church Blames Yoga Pants

The number of men entering monasteries in America to devote their lives to the church is on a steep decline and experts blame the booming yoga pants industry. Experts state that there is a direct correlation between declining monastery memberships and the increased number of women wearing yoga pants in everyday life.

“Our chart clearly shows a trend,” Stated Jim DaSilva. “As the percentage of women wearing yoga pants to do everyday activities like grocery shopping and teaching high school increases, men entering the monastery for a life of celibacy decreases.”

“I was on the way to to commit myself to God and a life of celibate chastity,” stated Dartmouth resident Keith McDermitt who almost became a man of the cloth. “On the way to the monastery, I decided to stop by Mirasol’s Cafe for one last Chippi. I got in line and there were two girls in front of me wearing yoga pants. I tried to stay strong and turned away, but the girl behind me was wearing yoga pants as well. The line out the door was filled with women in yoga pants. I was surrounded. I took it as a sign from God. He did not want me to enter the monastery that day.”

Conspiracy theorists have chimed in. ”Do you think it is a coincidence that 9 out of 10 women that wear yoga pants don’t even do yoga?” stated Jason Taylor, a leading New England conspiracy theorist. “My theory is that the steep decline of men entering the monastery is a plot by women to stop good looking men from entering a life of celibacy, which sucks for guys like me.”

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Study shows the percentage of women wearing yoga pants compared to the percentage of men entering the monastery.

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Dog Laments About Escaping ‘Hell House’ for Third Time

In an excursive interview through a psychic dog medium, Mr. Bojangles lamented about his third attempted escape from a ‘hell house’ where his owners abused him with a rolled up newspaper, made him wear sweaters and fed him discount food made in China.

“Every time I escaped,” Mr. Bojangles stated through Jan his psychic medium, “my owner put out a missing dog post through Facebook and I was quickly captured by smiling old ladies in a mini van. They’d trick me with treats and sweet old lady voices.”

When confronted by these allegations the owners denied mistreating Mr. Bojangles. “Really? A pet psychic medium told you this?” Chuckled Jim DaSilva, his smile quickly drying up into a blank stare.

Mr. Bojangles would wander the streets of New Bedford, bullied by local street dogs. “They ridiculed my sweater and tricked me into eating “meats” and peeing on electric fences. My time on the streets came to an end when I passed a person who did a double-take, took out her smart phone and started following me. The stranger took a photo, typed away on her phone and within minutes a mini van  pulled up with a few old lades with snausages.”

Asked if he was contemplating a fourth escape, Mr. Bojangles didn’t say anything, but did pass us a sticky note on the way out that read ‘TAKE ME WITH YOU!”

 

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Real Al Roker Escapes Captivity After 12 Years, Denied Old Job

After nearly 12 years in captivity, Al Roker is back in the spotlight and wants his job back. The original 320-pound Al Roker states he was kidnapped in 2002 and held captive in a New York basement while a skinny impostor took over his career and skyrocketed to fame.

“In 2002, I was heading to a weight loss clinic when a group men in a van pulled up and grabbed me,” stated the real Al Roker. “Inside was a skinny looking version of me and two men. Skinny Al said nothing and immediately left the van. I was blindfolded and taken to a dirty basement and held captive ever since.”

When asked how NBC producers didn’t notice the 100-lbs of weight loss in a single day, producers responded, “Look, it was an amazing weight loss and a great story. Did skinny Al look different than chubby Al? Yes. Were we going to let something that seemed unbelievable get in the way of ratings? Absolutely not.”

Today there is some major controversy at the Today Show. “Look, we regret what happened to Al since 2002.” Stated one of the NBC producers. “But today is 2013 and the skinny Al is just better at his job. We want the most qualified candidate for the job.”

“I’m not bitter,” stated the real Al Roker. “After 12 years of captivity I finally lost that 50 pounds I’ve always wanted to and Subway has asked me to replace Jared as their official spokesman.”

 

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Intra-City High Speed Tram Coming to Downtown New Bedford

by Beau Tiffleday

In a move that is being heralded as groundbreaking, the City of New Bedford has announced plans to connect the city with a brand new, European-style rapid tram system, slated to be up and running by 2015. The light rail line will cover 7 miles of track, connecting Downtown with stations throughout the city, currently planned to stretch from Fort Taber in the south, to the Saver’s plaza in the North End.

The WhaleTram Line, as it has been christened, will be the inaugural project for the city’s new Ministry of Rapid Transit, a department that will also work with the state in implementing Southcoast Rail further down the road. Deputy Minister Tony Nichols, in a press conference held in Custom House Square on Tuesday, expressed City Hall’s excitement at what he described as this “revolutionary undertaking.”

“We live in exciting times, where a city must change if it wants to stay relevant. Whether anyone likes it or not, the era of the automobile is over. For New Bedford to remain competitive into the 21st Century and beyond, we must modernize our infrastructure, and the biggest step we can take toward doing that is to get this long-overdue light rail system up and running. When complete, the WhaleTram will be fully integrated with Southcoast Rail, and this logistical synergy will free Southcoast residents from the dated constraints of private automobile transit. We will be among the first American cities to go completely car-free by 2040.”

According to the Management and Budget Office, this project will be fully paid for by a new city-wide fuel tax hike, and a new value added tax on pajama bottoms and scratch tickets. In response to concerns about space and construction detours, Nichols stated that room for the rail line would be created by eliminating 90% of metered parking in the city, retaining only charging spaces for electric vehicles. When pressed as to the fate of the popular new high heel-accessible crosswalks, the office “gives every assurance that they will be retained”. Construction is slated to begin Memorial Day weekend of 2014.

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Downtown “Compassion Lounge” Expected to Create Over 900 Jobs

By Milton Inskalop

A planned medical marijuana dispensary and adjoining hookah lounge is expected to create over 900 jobs in New Bedford, officials said today. The “Compassion Lounge,” to be built at the site of a vacant lot on Union Street, will virtually eliminate unemployment in the city, according to overjoyed city and state officials.

“This facility has even more potential than a casino” said City Councilor Jane Alves, a major supporter of the proposal. “It will create new jobs for bud-tenders, hookah lighters, marijuana sommeliers and many other new trades.” But even more job growth will come from the indirect impact, Alves said. “Medical marijuana will give people the munchies, and that will mean more customers for downtown shops and eateries.”

The planned development, by South Coast Herbal Caregivers, LLC, of Marion, will feature an area in which patients can smoke from hookah pipes while awaiting marijuana prescriptions to be filled. The lounge area will include large TV’s, a deejay and sound system.

The facility had previously sought to set up in Marion or Fairhaven but zoning moratoriums forced it to locate elsewhere. New Bedford officials welcomed it with open arms.

“I’m very excited to welcome this new development to downtown New Bedford,” said Diana Coehlo of the New Bedford City Council. “This has the potential to revitalize the entire downtown area.”

Even Police Chief David Provoster spoke in support of the facility. “I’m cool with it,” Provoster said. “It’s a legal business and I think people have to stop fearing reefer madness.”

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Monsanto to Open Genetically Modified Scallop Farm in New Bedford

In another controversial move, Monsanto Company has decided to enter the very lucrative scallop market and open business in New Bedford. The company purchased the entire New Bedford Harbor and has plans to shut the Hurricane Barrier to make the entire harbor a ‘natural’ scallop farm.

“Who knows the New Bedford harbor better than Monsanto?” stated spokesman Jim McSanto. “We provided the PCBs to the companies that polluted the harbor in the the first place. Our genetically modified Scallop or ‘GMS’ are completely resistant to PCBs in the harbor. Not only are they resistant, they actually thrive in the toxic environment allowing them to grow to the size of watermelon.”

Monsanto has been a leader in the Genetically Modified Organism (GMO) market producing crops like corn and soybean, but their products have recently been banned in Europe and all 50 U.S. states except Washington D.C. The company has been looking for new markets to enter even though revenue has doubled thanks to the endless hunger for GMOs politicians in Washington D.C. seem to have.

“New Bedford took in $411 million in scallops last year,” McSanto continued. “But the boats had to travel hundreds of miles burning valuable fuel and go after a crop that has a government imposed catch limit. With our scallops the boats never have to leave the harbor and we’ve got the government already on our payroll so you won’t have to worry about catch limits.”

Reaction has been mixed in the New Bedford community. “The size of a watermelon? Really?” Said John Santos. “I guess as long as it brings jobs to the city and lessons our dependency on foreign oil I’m all for it.”

 

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Man’s legs breaks under weight of upper body after skipping leg day for years; trapped in ditch for days

by Rod Inskalop

In a catastrophe that was inevitable, local weightlifter Manny Pedro’s skinny Minnie legs buckled and broke under the weight of his upper body.

Pedro had been skipping leg day for years in favor of “Bis, Tris, & Delts” and it finally caught up with him – in a bad way. What was supposed to be a simple hike up Profile Rock turned into tragedy. Exercising his legs for the first time in about 5 years, Pedro made it to the top of Profile Rock.

The mistake he made was in a victory leap which taxed his already over-stressed legs. “I always wanted a moment in life like in the old Toyota commercials. I seized the moment. I was ecstatic and leapt into the air belting out “TOOOOOOYOOOOOTAA!”

Upon landing one of the broomsticks that he calls legs snapped in twain. He immediately tumbled over the edge and bounced and all the way down into a ditch into a heavily wooded area.

Correspondent Joe Inskalop visited Pedro in the hospital for more details. In spite of the noise coming from a blender that Pedro was operating, some comments were salvageable. “All those Pec and Lat compound sets combined with protein shakes beefed up my upper body so much that my muscles served as cushions – well that and the 14 Muscle Mags I had on me. I avoided injury by flexing all the way down. My favorite pose ‘The Double Bicep’ definitely saved me from serious injury.”

When asked why a broken femur wasn’t considered a serious injury, Mr. Pedro stated “Legs are totally useless. Only Beta males have leg day. I would have had them amputated already if I didn’t need them to go from the Lat Pulldown Machine to the Pec Deck. Chics don’t dig legs. Ever heard of a girl squeezing a guy’s thighs? Exactly.”

Mr. Pedro spent 4 days and a sum total of 80 hours trapped in the ditch. Doctors said he wasn’t dehydrated, just suffering from a bit of exposure. When asked if he had water with him or snacks, Pedro replied “Bro, I used two nearby boulders for curls. I then sucked the sweat off of my Bis. 18″ by the way. I also had a case of protein bars to eat.”

When a nurse overheard the conversation mentioned that “Any ‘bi’ sweat you drank was just returning lost fluids to your body, so you weren’t actually replenishing fluids. That likely came from the 2 days of rain.” Pedro just stared at his bed-sheet with a puzzled look and let out a “Whoa.”

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Fairhaven Man Claims He Can Hear Into The Future

by Butch Inskalop

A Fairhaven man yesterday reported to police officials that he could hear the noise from the yet to be constructed Buzzards Bay Wind Farm.

“It kept me up all night!” Charles Eggart told reporters in an impromptu news conference yesterday at Fort Phoenix near Mr. Eggart’s home on Fort Street.

“It’s like a whooshing sound that stops and starts without warning. It went on all night.”

When one reporter informed Mr. Eggart that the wind farm doesn’t exist yet and that it would be built miles offshore, Mr. Eggart lashed out.

“I know what I heard….that’s just an excuse that’s typical of you tree-hugger types!” He said. “The noise is going to make me crazy, without a doubt.”

The man’s wife, Mrs. Gail Eggart said that it sounded like the wind to her and was not surprised that her husband could hear into the future.

“I always thought he was a mutant or something,” she said, rolling her eyes.

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City Council Votes for 56% Pay Raise

Emboldened by their reelection, the incumbent city councilors pushed for and got a 56% pay raise. One day after the November 5th New Bedford Municipal elections, the City Council vote 11-0 give themselves a second pay raise in as many years.

“The voters have spoken,” Stated David Gonsalves. “Last year we enacted a well-deserved 44% pay raise. A tiny minority were angry and I told them ‘If you don’t like it vote me out.’ Well they voted almost all of us back into office so clearly people feel we deserve more money.”

When asked why 56%, David stated, “We like round numbers and to keep the math simple for the accountants. 44% plus 56% equals 100%.”

Asked about the next issues the City Council will take on, David replied. “We have a lot of important issues to address. For example, finding a good location for the approved Elizabeth Warren casino, ensure the new head of the public library system has a smooth transition, install the new pillory and start paddling the citizens, and to find a great location for our Guinness Word Record plaque.

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