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man-self-identifies-as-pee-wee-football2

35-year old New Bedford man self identifies as Pee Wee footballer, dominates league

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A 35-year old New Beford man is shattering records, and sometimes bones, in the New Bedford Youth Football League this year. Jim “The Whale” Smith was recently allowed to play against 11-year olds after he self-identified as a 7th grade “Pee Wee” league footballer.

“I eat, live and breathe football,” stated Jim. “It’s the thing I live for and when I heard about self identifying I just couldn’t resist.”

“We didn’t even have to sue the state to let Jim play,” said John David, Jim’s family lawyer. “As soon as we mentioned ‘self identify’ the league capitulated and let him play.”

Jim has dominated the league, shattering year long records in a single game.

“In my first game I scored 19 touchdowns out of 20 times carrying the ball. The only time I didn’t score was when an unconscious kid’s arm got caught in my belt. I dragged him for a while, but he definitely slowed me down just enough to allow the other 12 kids to catch up and take me down.”

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Not everyone one is on Jim’s side.

“A few parents were angry that a 250-pound, 35-year old man was allowed to play with 11-year olds,” Said Jim’s lawer. “But after being called out on their intolerance and racism, a few boycotts and getting fined by the state they came around to our side. Now the entire community supports Jim.”

61 Comments

  • rose marie stolmeier
    April 12, 2016 @ 10:18 am

    Are you parents crazy?Jim is a grown man! Some poor child could be maimed for life. Jim & his lawyer should go play with the big boys where they belong.

    Reply

    • Bill Molinari
      April 16, 2016 @ 10:37 pm

      Wow showing just how stupid you’re & guaranteeing your a fox news watcher …

      Reply

      • Jeff
        April 17, 2016 @ 3:49 pm

        I’m a Fox News Watcher. Its you’re not your as long as you are calling out people for being stupid

        Reply

        • Nope
          April 18, 2016 @ 4:16 am

          Actually, in that context a contraction is inappropriate. It should read “Wow showing just how stupid you are &…” You were both wrong.

          Reply

          • Bryan
            April 20, 2016 @ 1:24 pm

            I believe Jeff was referring to the last sentence of Bill’s post, but yes, the contraction was inappropriate. Jeff also used “Its” when it should have been “It’s.” The lesson here is to double check your grammar and spelling if you’re going to be a Grammar Nazi. I just triple checked this. :)

      • Soju
        April 17, 2016 @ 3:50 pm

        More like CNN.

        Reply

      • Brian
        April 19, 2016 @ 10:25 am

        “You are”.

        Reply

      • Rocket J Squirrell
        April 20, 2016 @ 12:51 pm

        Seems a little narrow minded assuming all Fox News folks are stupid. Myself and many friends agree Fox is slanted but a hundred miles from stupid. You however have apparently learned to Parrot what your family wants to hear from you. Have a nice day

        Reply

      • Michael Parker
        August 19, 2016 @ 8:58 pm

        Lol…the kind of people this is meant to make fun of are most assuredly not Fox news watchers…you sir are an imbecile.

        Reply

    • na
      April 17, 2016 @ 2:15 am

      Same applies for a women’s restroom, idiot.

      Reply

    • thezoofromtheatl
      April 18, 2016 @ 8:02 am

      https://youtu.be/vmuMJDOnIDM Morons its a sit com

      Reply

  • Philip Cooper
    April 12, 2016 @ 3:26 pm

    12 men plus his fat ass, how many are on the field for each play 13? What kinda game is this?

    Reply

  • Eric
    April 12, 2016 @ 6:26 pm

    This has to be a joke. Youth football is run by strict weight class rules for the safety of everyone playing. Have big Jim play with kids his own size.

    Reply

    • Jim Orourke
      April 18, 2016 @ 11:49 am

      Not all leagues have weight limits

      Reply

  • Trg
    April 12, 2016 @ 10:51 pm

    What an idiot. Some dads should self identify and introduce him to fair play on the gridiron

    Reply

  • Glenn
    April 13, 2016 @ 1:54 am

    The whole issue could have been resolved by all of the kids refusing to play leaving the guy to play with himself.

    Reply

    • rj
      April 16, 2016 @ 1:47 am

      That would not be a pretty sight

      Reply

  • Natrlovr
    April 13, 2016 @ 6:33 pm

    Pathetic!!! Play with kids your own age! Its not intolerant or racist or anything but pathetic!! He can seriously hurt the kids. What’s wrong with the parents, pull out your kids and form your own league, the baby Huey would have to play with kids his own size!

    Reply

  • Robert Jager
    April 14, 2016 @ 2:38 am

    What a loser

    Reply

  • Frank
    April 14, 2016 @ 1:42 pm

    Idiot

    Reply

  • Frank Chip Munroe
    April 14, 2016 @ 6:51 pm

    Lmao! Can not wait to read the stupid people comments thinking this is real…

    Reply

    • Mark
      April 15, 2016 @ 8:36 pm

      Oh.my.word – thank you Frank. I’m glad one person commenting has some sense! Unbelievable!

      Reply

    • Dave
      April 15, 2016 @ 8:43 pm

      I know! How ignorant can people be?

      Reply

    • Screamin Steven
      April 16, 2016 @ 4:52 pm

      I am reading these replies thinking THIS IS WHY Trump is getting votes.
      The dumbing down of America continues.

      Reply

    • Bryan A. Barbeau
      April 17, 2016 @ 12:30 am

      There’s plenty… Sigh.

      Reply

    • Jimmy the whale tudesky
      April 18, 2016 @ 7:55 pm

      I personally love it. I am just hoping these people decide to turn up and protest this “outrage”. Maybe we can sterilize them, or at least take away their drivers licenses.

      Reply

  • Terry
    April 15, 2016 @ 12:48 am

    What a joke hope this jackass is proud of himself, what’s wrong that he can’t play with grown men in a semi pro league?

    Reply

  • jrp
    April 15, 2016 @ 1:42 pm

    The comments of those that miss the satire are almost as funny as the article!

    Reply

  • Wank Statti
    April 15, 2016 @ 2:25 pm

    How dumb are you people? It’s a freaking made up article to show the ridiculousness of the liberal argument about men self-identifying women (and vice versa) being able to use the ladies room.

    Clueless.

    Reply

    • Doug Chase
      April 17, 2016 @ 11:52 pm

      Yes, Wank. How can this be missed? Dumb I think.

      Reply

  • Phil
    April 15, 2016 @ 2:29 pm

    Some cannot see a parable when it bites them on the nose! Of course this is not real, but how is self identification of age any different than other things like race or sex?

    Reply

    • aguy
      April 16, 2016 @ 2:08 am

      guy gets satire- can’t tell the difference between race, sex, and age

      Reply

    • rob boudrie
      April 17, 2016 @ 12:45 pm

      And others cannot understand the difference between a parable and a parody.

      Reply

  • mommaofthree
    April 15, 2016 @ 3:31 pm

    Do you actually believe this? Now THAT is funny!

    Reply

  • Rob Big Guy
    April 15, 2016 @ 7:45 pm

    I’m offended by the gall of this man! I was forced to retire from Pee Wee Football at age 30 – they said it was mandatory. I’m contacting the ACLU – I want my rights! Me and my wheelchair will slaughter that bum.

    Reply

  • Scott
    April 15, 2016 @ 8:05 pm

    Are you people retarded?

    Reply

  • Fckyrmom
    April 15, 2016 @ 8:12 pm

    This guy is a true hero and pioneer. I salute his response to unwarranted adversity and hate speech against his kind.

    Reply

  • Charlie
    April 15, 2016 @ 9:35 pm

    Political satire at its best. LOL at the comments of those offended.

    Reply

  • Julian
    April 15, 2016 @ 9:37 pm

    It’s satire you fucking retards

    Reply

  • Jack
    April 15, 2016 @ 10:17 pm

    What a tool! Pathetic sissy

    Reply

    • Doug
      April 19, 2016 @ 6:32 am

      Speaking tools, ever hear of satire?

      Reply

  • Austin Ray
    April 15, 2016 @ 10:20 pm

    Hey if Homo sapiens with penises can claim to be misidentified and bath with ones with vaginas why can’t this guy play!??!

    Reply

  • Julianne Nielsen
    April 15, 2016 @ 10:41 pm

    This is a parody regarding the “self-identity” of those who want to use the restroom that they ‘identify’ with. Haha. I think it’s a really good scenario to show how ridiculous it is that we should allow a man/boy use the women/girls restrooms just because they ‘identify’ as one.

    Reply

  • Terry
    April 15, 2016 @ 11:30 pm

    It’s a joke people!!!

    Reply

  • Osmotator
    April 16, 2016 @ 12:41 am

    I self-identify as Zod.

    KNEEL BEFORE ME!!

    Or my laywer, John David, will sue you for intolerance. Puny Humans.

    Reply

  • Aaron
    April 16, 2016 @ 1:25 am

    It’s not real, people. That screen shot is from the show ‘King of Queens.’ JESUS!

    Reply

  • Centurion13
    April 16, 2016 @ 5:53 pm

    I love it. So many who refuse to actually read the article. So many who don’t even know what ‘self-identifying’ means or why it’s a topic at all. So many who don’t read The Onion. It’s a joke, girls and boys. It’s sarcasm, putting a grown man into a situation he’s clearly not suited for…

    …the same situation as grown men who self-identify as girls and sue for the right to use the women’s bathroom. The same as white women who ‘self-identify’ (they are, because they *say* they are) as black and then go on to call the rest of us ‘racist’. The whole stupid hand-wringing schmear. Welcome to America. If you don’t have a real problem and a reason to hate your neighbor, we’ll help you find one. Or make one up.

    Reply

  • Kitty
    April 16, 2016 @ 6:38 pm

    LMAO at the people who think this is real. It’s a joke. All of the photos in the article are of Kevin James. They were pulled from an episode of the tv show King of Queens.

    Reply

  • John ledford
    April 16, 2016 @ 7:29 pm

    Y’all do realize the pics in this story are screenshots taken from a show called King of Queens? This story is pure satire, however, it perfectly paints the picture of how ignorant one looks while “pretending” to be something they’re not.

    Reply

  • Blaine
    April 17, 2016 @ 12:00 am

    Is this legitimate or a satire

    Reply

  • George
    April 17, 2016 @ 3:51 am

    They shouldn’t be fat shaming him, he has the right to play with people of all shapes and sizes, irregardless of his religion

    Reply

  • Vick Medford
    April 17, 2016 @ 5:04 pm

    This was on King of Queens you idiots. This article is a parody making fun of the transgender bathroom controversy. A grown man playing Pee wee football is as rediculous as a grown man wanting to go in a girls bathroom.

    Reply

  • richard rush
    April 17, 2016 @ 8:38 pm

    its satire folks!! take a deep bfearh and calm down and wait for something REAL to get pussed off about

    Reply

  • Chazraz
    April 17, 2016 @ 10:04 pm

    This is ridiculous. Political correctness and tolerance run amouck.

    Reply

  • Paul
    April 17, 2016 @ 10:06 pm

    The fact that some think this is real is more an editorial of the depths of depravity and willful ignorance we have now succumbed to as the new normal.

    Reply

  • Trent tamalon
    April 18, 2016 @ 12:00 am

    These pictures are from an episode of “king of queens”…when doug coaches a little league team..remove head from ass people

    Reply

  • William baty
    April 19, 2016 @ 1:53 am

    No way!

    Reply

  • Doug
    April 19, 2016 @ 6:28 am

    The article is funny, but all the complete idiots that can’t tell that it’s satire are where the real joke is at. I can’t decide if I should laugh at the stupidity or be terrified at where society is headed when people like this being allowed to reproduce.

    Reply

  • Robd
    April 19, 2016 @ 8:31 pm

    that moment when you realize satire is not your thing….

    Reply

  • Marc
    April 19, 2016 @ 11:32 pm

    OMG!!!!! Well I guess it’s true. People will believe anything they read on the Internet. No wonder this country is so messed up.

    Reply