Beacon Hill Adopts Policy to Disavow Knowledge of New Bedford
by James Inskalop
BOSTON, MA – The Massachusetts General Court passed a unanimous decision on Tuesday to enact a plan to strike all knowledge of the city of New Bedford from the public sphere.
The law, which prohibits state employees from visiting, thinking about, or referring to Massachusetts’ sixth largest city, went into effect immediately following the vote.
Parker McGann, a receptionist at the State House, commented, “I’m sorry,” refusing to make eye contact, “I don’t know who you should speak to regarding this issue. I’ve never heard of it.” He then immediately answered a phone which was not ringing.
A large, stylized map of the Commonwealth in the lobby showed a small region on the south coast of the state, just along Buzzard’s Bay, hastily scribbled over with a red X.
Other employees in the building were equally unhelpful. “I can’t hear you, I can’t hear you, la la la la la,” one man was heard to say, while cowering and plugging his ears with his index fingers.
“Really,” said one representative, who wished to remain anonymous, “it’s best for everyone. It’s just so, so sad down there. We’ve all been much happier not thinking about it at all. And, hey, now we don’t have to keep coming up with reasons to deny them funding.”
When asked how the legislature actually intended to get away with this, with New Bedford appearing in works such as Moby Dick, she replied, “Oh I’m sure a black marker will do just fine. Have you seen our map? Thanks for reminding us, though.” She made a note.
She went on to describe the success of the measure as “easy peas-ey” and “a job well done” as well as “a shining example of working together to get things accomplished on Beacon Hill.”
“Try talking to Jacob Flynn,” she suggested. “He’s from, uh…that is to say he was from, hmm…try talking to Jacob Flynn.”
Mr. Flynn, an intern at the State House, was found quietly shuffling along the corridors, lost and empty.
“Yeah I lived um…there,” his eyes wistful and longing, “but I don’t have a home anymore.” He bared his teeth in a heartbreaking facsimile of a smile. “Or a family.” He shook his head, “but, man, look at the statewide violent crime rates. They’ve sure dropped haven’t they?”
The statistics were, indeed, impressive.
Ralph, the security guard summoned to escort a violator of the new policy from the building, had this to say.
“Alright, buddy, that’s enough. Off you go. Head on home to uh…y’know.”