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Mayor Holds Emergency Meeting to Chastise Parking Attendants

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by Rod Inskalop

An unknown parking attendant has worked Mayor Jon Mitchell into a fervor and driven him to call an emergency “State of the Parking Union” address. What earned the ire of the Mayor was a parking meter that had clearly expired and yet was ignored by the many parking attendants that circulate the downtown area. “I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. As I’m descending the city hall steps to head towards my car, and I notice a meter count down and expire. I sat there for a full 40 seconds before an attendant arrived and did what the city of New Bedford pays him to do.”

Mitchell said he felt like taking care of the incident off the books by resorting to some kind of physical violence, but noticed passers-by and thought better of it. “Immediately, I thought of a nature special I was watching the night before. It was Shark Week and they showed one of the most aggressive sharks, the Bull shark, tearing and ripping a seal from limb to limb, leaving a bloody spill. Ghastly wounds. Body parts everywhere. Yeah, I want my parking attendants to be like this. I want them to treat every week like it’s Shark Week, especially around Holidays. Can you picture a Bull Shark waiting 40 seconds before he attacks a wounded seal? My point, exactly.”

Well said, Mr. Mayor.

NBG was given privileged access to the meeting, which was held behind closed doors. The atmosphere was a solemn one, that resembled a funeral. Every attendant in the city was present and all hung their heads low, staring at the floor in apparent shame at the slip-up. While the Mayor reprimanded and berated the entire group, he made several attempts to stink-eye the offending attendant, but guilt insured that his head never rose. You need pride to raise your head.

Mitchell had sage advice and inspiring words before dismissing the group. “I need each and every one of you parking attendants to feel like you are mini-mayors. That you are instrumental in generating revenue, so we can give ourselves raises. So we can build more parking meters. So we can buy more caviar. Notice the operative words “We can” in those sentences? That’s called inspiration. That’s what I do.”

The teary-eyed group, now re-charged with inspiration from the eloquent Mayor’s speech, assembled in a circle, clasped hands in the center before letting out the cheer “TEAM BULL SHARKS!”

3 Comments

  • James Howarth
    October 3, 2013 @ 2:20 pm

    Hey, glad to see the site up. I e-mailed you when this article went live about submitting some writing of my own. When the time comes for you to start looking for people, I’m still interested.

    Reply

  • Trinakrian
    October 8, 2013 @ 11:21 pm

    Hi James! You can either submit text files to nbgarts@gmail.com or we can make you an author here. Are you familiar with WordPress?

    Reply

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