Men Entering Monastery Numbers Down; Church Blames Yoga Pants

November 25, 2013 by Admin

The number of men entering monasteries in America to devote their lives to the church is on a steep decline and experts blame the booming yoga pants industry. Experts state that there is a direct correlation between declining monastery memberships and the increased number of women wearing yoga pants in everyday life.

“Our chart clearly shows a trend,” Stated Jim DaSilva. “As the percentage of women wearing yoga pants to do everyday activities like grocery shopping and teaching high school increases, men entering the monastery for a life of celibacy decreases.”

“I was on the way to to commit myself to God and a life of celibate chastity,” stated Dartmouth resident Keith McDermitt who almost became a man of the cloth. “On the way to the monastery, I decided to stop by Mirasol’s Cafe for one last Chippi. I got in line and there were two girls in front of me wearing yoga pants. I tried to stay strong and turned away, but the girl behind me was wearing yoga pants as well. The line out the door was filled with women in yoga pants. I was surrounded. I took it as a sign from God. He did not want me to enter the monastery that day.”

Conspiracy theorists have chimed in. “Do you think it is a coincidence that 9 out of 10 women that wear yoga pants don’t even do yoga?” stated Jason Taylor, a leading New England conspiracy theorist. “My theory is that the steep decline of men entering the monastery is a plot by women to stop good looking men from entering a life of celibacy, which sucks for guys like me.”