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Mob Violence Erupts in South End; At Least 30 Injured

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by Rod Inskalop

Linguica or Chourico? The timeless, dangerous question.

A serious row rippled throughout New Bedford’s South End and spread through many nearby neighborhoods. A number of homes were burned to the ground, and emergency services had their hands full transporting the injured to local hospitals. As Tobey and St. Luke’s Hospitals filled to capacity, a number of individuals with serious injuries needed to be evacuated by MedFlight to Boston.

What began as a simple, light-hearted tame discussion during backyard activities, escalated into yet another black eye for the city.

Manny Gonsalves’ avô, was discussing her mouth-watering, home-made Linguica with her grandchildren, when Paul Rezendes avô visiting from Fall River, overheard the conversation and demanded that she rescind her words. “Only rubes make linguica. Real Portagees make Chourico, you fake.” To which, Gonsalves avô said and we quote “Step off. Facepalm.jpg, you ratchet.”

Is the solution to erect a 20 foot wall?

Mr. Gonsalves didn’t appreciate the backhanded comment, so kicked over the closest tire garden, enraging those on the linguica side of the fence. “Next thing I know, there are Pops flying through the air, there are shouts of “Caralho”, and tire gardens are rolling down the driveway. One flew into the street, and a car swerving to avoid it ended up over the sidewalk, into the yard obliterating the bathtub Jesus there.” stated a terrified eyewitness who wished to remain anonymous for safety reasons. “That’s when all hell broke loose. Pardon the pun.”

Avó battled avó and avô fought avô in a frenzied melee of gratuitous violence. The hand to hand combat spread like wildfire. The streets were painted red in blood and paprika. Sheriff Hodgson sent in gang units to try to control the situation, as he felt the local police wouldn’t be able to handle it.

Local officials are still trying to find a solution to the ongoing linguica and chourico rivalry, some comparing the divide from Fall River and New Bedford to the Gaza Strip. “We don’t have the answers. We may have to erect a perimeter – a wall – like the 20 foot high Israeli West Bank Barrier. Anything to minimize casualties.” said council member Manny Pedro. “There’s just too much history. Too much tradition, to overcome. It will take generations.”


19 Comments

  • Roger Davis
    October 8, 2013 @ 10:35 pm

    Chirico is king even tho I’m from New Beige.

    Reply

  • Tia Maria
    October 8, 2013 @ 10:48 pm

    They will never take my linguica away… NEVER!!!!

    Reply

  • Portuguesegirl
    October 9, 2013 @ 12:52 am

    What a bunch of morons! Can’t they as adults have any common sense.

    Reply

  • maryanne
    October 9, 2013 @ 2:02 am

    so stupid….act like adults…

    Reply

  • stu
    October 9, 2013 @ 2:04 am

    is this for real in 2013 ?

    Reply

    • jane
      October 9, 2013 @ 11:44 am

      I’m with you,Is this some kind of joke,Really? Fighting over chourico and linguica,I’m half portuguese and if this is for real,I’m so embarassed,What a shame!

      Reply

  • Maria's Husband
    October 9, 2013 @ 2:05 am

    I’ve always been a Linguica man (Pa Raffa’s pizza/Gaspar’s) but my wife is all about the Chourico (home made). Go Whalers! Beat Durfee!

    Reply

  • Pamela Karalekas
    October 9, 2013 @ 10:31 am

    I now live in NH but was born and raised in NB. We can get both thanks to Gaspars, but I miss real Portuguese meals and all the wonderful aromas. I am only half Portuguese, but I know which side has the “taste”! I personally thought chorizo was Spanish……and of course Go Whalers!!!!

    Reply

  • DJGoldie
    October 9, 2013 @ 12:39 pm

    You forgot about the Seagulls also joining the fight!!! I say “Kill your OWN pig and make your OWN Linguica, Chourico and Morcilla!!!

    Reply

  • Mike Couto
    October 9, 2013 @ 2:20 pm

    Linguica for sandwiches, chourico for kale soup. 🙂
    At least for me….

    Reply

  • Michelina
    October 9, 2013 @ 4:05 pm

    Linguica for most things – but Chourico for flavoring in roasts – beef -pork, chicken – doesn’t matter.

    Reply

  • Amber
    October 14, 2013 @ 6:03 pm

    I hope you all realize this is a gag website, no actual fights over linguinca or chourico

    Reply

  • deane
    October 14, 2013 @ 11:36 pm

    Kielbasa is better go polska

    Reply

  • Jodie L. Thatcher
    October 15, 2013 @ 4:11 am

    love love love your wit! rottenscallop, you crack me up!! tire garden, bathtub Jesus, paprika….hahahaha

    Reply

  • Joanne Mello
    October 15, 2013 @ 4:18 pm

    Linguica Rules!! 🙂

    Reply

  • AMCorreia
    October 16, 2013 @ 2:10 pm

    I love you rotten scallop, you make me laugh!!! keep up the good work!

    Reply

  • All Baptista
    June 6, 2014 @ 3:58 pm

    Make for some Sopas and cerveja. No fight no mas.

    Reply

  • Vinsky
    October 22, 2014 @ 7:45 am

    Can’t we all just get along?

    Reply

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