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Monsanto to Open Genetically Modified Scallop Farm in New Bedford

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In another controversial move, Monsanto Company has decided to enter the very lucrative scallop market and open business in New Bedford. The company purchased the entire New Bedford Harbor and has plans to shut the Hurricane Barrier to make the entire harbor a ‘natural’ scallop farm.

“Who knows the New Bedford harbor better than Monsanto?” stated spokesman Jim McSanto. “We provided the PCBs to the companies that polluted the harbor in the the first place. Our genetically modified Scallop or ‘GMS’ are completely resistant to PCBs in the harbor. Not only are they resistant, they actually thrive in the toxic environment allowing them to grow to the size of watermelon.”

Monsanto has been a leader in the Genetically Modified Organism (GMO) market producing crops like corn and soybean, but their products have recently been banned in Europe and all 50 U.S. states except Washington D.C. The company has been looking for new markets to enter even though revenue has doubled thanks to the endless hunger for GMOs politicians in Washington D.C. seem to have.

“New Bedford took in $411 million in scallops last year,” McSanto continued. “But the boats had to travel hundreds of miles burning valuable fuel and go after a crop that has a government imposed catch limit. With our scallops the boats never have to leave the harbor and we’ve got the government already on our payroll so you won’t have to worry about catch limits.”

Reaction has been mixed in the New Bedford community. “The size of a watermelon? Really?” Said John Santos. “I guess as long as it brings jobs to the city and lessons our dependency on foreign oil I’m all for it.”

 

11 Comments

  • Patrick Hunt
    November 14, 2013 @ 9:49 pm

    I wonder if they will be grown in plastic shells?

    Reply

  • Laura Girard
    November 14, 2013 @ 11:32 pm

    this sounds just so wrong it cant true

    Reply

  • Jack Haney
    November 14, 2013 @ 11:45 pm

    No to Monsanto. Don’t want genetically modified food.

    Reply

  • Fullthrottleperforfamce1@yahoo.com
    November 15, 2013 @ 4:27 am

    Are you kidding me. Yea lets add more poisonous foods to the market
    Scallops the size of watermelon?
    Your people’s brains are the size of a pea. You actually think the fishing industry is going to allow these cancer food making experts to come into this polluted town and open up a sea scallop farm
    Fuck off., This will start a war. Watch and see the outcome. The only thing that will be growing in the harbor will be the body count !!

    Reply

  • kim
    November 15, 2013 @ 6:36 pm

    disgusting….guess I will have to give up locally harvested scallops………….if they start on lobsters, I’m going to be very sad. Go away Monsanto!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Reply

  • Chuck Dade
    November 22, 2013 @ 6:13 am

    This actually is true/ some of it. All of the life in NB has been genetically modified by the PCBs in the harbor delivered to NB by Monsanto.

    Reply

  • Jim Wilson
    November 22, 2013 @ 6:21 am

    New Bedford; Stupid!
    It’s the PCBs.

    Reply

  • Joan Davignon
    November 23, 2013 @ 4:26 pm

    Say NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO to Monsanto!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Reply

  • Russell
    November 25, 2013 @ 1:58 am

    Monsanto is powerful and very manipulative company. They have put farmers out of business through their seed patents, what is next a scallop patent?

    Reply

    • Chahchi
      December 11, 2013 @ 3:17 am

      Mind citing proof of that, or did you read it off a pamphlet?

      Reply

  • Not a retard
    December 6, 2013 @ 6:33 pm

    I love the satire of this site, it makes me laugh.
    What makes me cringe is the idiots who read these articles and respond to a completely made up story.
    WAKE UP YOU IDIOTS-IT’S COMEDY.

    Either that, or put your pajama pants back on and go spend some time at Walmart so I can laugh at you in public.

    Reply

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